Gorrilas Are Descendants of Geniuses Or the other way round
by GinxRinxNatsu
Summary: What if Otae, Kyubei, Sa-chan, and Tsuki all switched bodies! Will it be a blessing or a disaster? Especially for Gintoki? GintokixHarem
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama. **_

_**Claimer: I own Gintoki... kiddin'**_

**A/N: English isn't my first language so pardon the grammar errors and misspellings. Oh and this is also my first fanfic here :.  
**

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Otae was walking the Kabuki District streets on her way home after her work on Snack Smile. She was damn tired of all those weird and annoying customers pestering her all day, and she just got rid the gorilla stalker. _Sigh._ (A naked man in a trash can is seen from the background). Then she remembered that she was supposed to meet her friend, Kyubei, on the bridge so she headed there instead. "Isn't there any other job besides being a hostess? Damn that gorilla author. Doesn't he know that I could also do more things than entertaining madao's and perverts? He could at least make me a bit more badass like an assassin or a samurai. Like my whining would help. I better hurry." She told herself.

At the same time, a purple-haired ninja was thrown out from the second floor of Otose's bar. She felt pleasure from it even though she landed on her face and her glasses half broke. Even though she's a hardcore masochist, it still kind of hurt when her beloved samurai treats her indifferently. She knows that he will never return her feelings but she still keeps on pursuing and wishing that someday, somehow Gin-san would atleast show her some care or love. Expressionless, she picked up her glasses and started walking home.

Coincidentally, a blond woman with a scar on her face was walking around looking for the things Hinowa asked her to buy. She attracted many men as she walked around, some mistaking her for a hostess and started inviting her to drink with them. She doesn't care though. Even though she was here on an errand, she secretly wanted to meet him.

Walk. Walk. Walk.

As though fate has intended, Otae, Kyubei, Sa-chan, and Tsu-ki found themselves staring at each other above the river, in the middle of the bridge.

"Oh my, what a coincidence meeting you both here, especially you Tsukuyo-san. Its uncommon to see you here on the surface." Otae greeted.

"Same here. I was just asked to buy a few things for Hinowa." Tsu-ki replied.

"Well ,just so you know, I was just on my way home after Gin-san did this and that and I was so happy and then he was so you know then after that Gin-san suddenly - blablablablablablabla," said you-know-who. (If you still don't know, Sa-chan said it)

"Really? Good for you. Is Gintoki doing well?" Tsukuyo replied as plain as possible.

Sa-chan replied but the author couldn't understand what she's saying 'cause she was speaking so fast and screaming at every word. The only thing she could understand was: "Gin-san…Gin-san…..Gin-san…Gin-san…. gin-san!Gin-san!.. Gin-san..Gin-san…..Gin-san-(repeat until fade)"

"Please stop it Sarutobi-san." Otae replied with a hint of annoyance in her voice. "Anyway since we've all met here, why don't we go to my house and have some tea? I'll cook something special for us."

"What a good idea, Tae-chan" Kyubei agreed. Excited that she would get a taste of her heavenly(or should I say hellish) cooking again.

The purple-haired ninja replied. "No thanks. I have no interest in your dark matter. (A vein popped in Otae's head). I'm going back to Gin-san and do more of this and that. I'm sorry Tsu-ki but Gin-san doesn't have interest in doing SM with you 'cause you can't beat the M Queen, and that is I." She felt triumph over what she said.

"What are you talking about?!" The other ninja raised her voice. "Sorry Otae but I really need to go."

"No, it's okay. I guess it's only gonna be the two of us, Kyu-chan." Otae replied, ignoring the ninja stalker's insult earlier.

Suddenly, a naked gorilla came flying out of nowhere. "Otae-saaaaaaaaaaaaan!". Otae punched the gorilla in the face in reply. He flew back but he accidentally landed on Tsu-ki's breasts. Her face turned pale and she threw him again. The gorilla screamed in pain as he flew towards Kyubei's breasts. She looks startled at first and in a matter of seconds she instinctively threw him again and while flying, the gorilla stalker accidentally groped Sa-chan's butt in attempt to stop himself from being a volleyball.

"Only Gin-san could do that to meeeee!" She shouted in turn, throwing a kunai in his forehead.

And the cycle was repeated. The gorilla almost lost all his hp when suddenly-

Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiii- bang!

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After throwing the stalker out, Gintoki turned the tv on for his favorite show: Ketsuno Ana's afternoon forecast.

"Good Afternoon everyone. I would like to inform you that there is a comet coming straight towards Kabuki District. Everyone please find a shelter and don't get near the comet. There may be alien substances in it that may be harmful to us humans. Please be careful, this is Ketsuno Ana reporting."

"Hmm." The samurai replied at the same time throwing his booger which landed on Kagura's egg-over-rice which she didn't notice and instantly devoured the whole bowl. Yes, including the bowl.

* * *

A big cloud of smoke surrounded the four heroines. Apparently, while they were playing volleyball (using a naked gorilla as a ball), something big and hard and round and something really familiar hit them. Maybe Kami-sama had taken pity with the unending abuse Kondo(I'm tired of typing gorilla) is suffering. Or maybe Kami-sama is a super feminist and he wanted to end the sexual harassment the women are experiencing(or he was just jealous). Either way, this doesn't remove the fact that they were covered in something unidentified but familiar slimy liquid.

"What was that all about?" Otae said as she waved her hand to clear the smoke around her.

"I guess something from the sky hit us." Tsukuyo and Kyubei recovered themselves after collapsing.

"Even though I'm a masochist, that hurt like hell."

The giant smoke disappeared and they were able to see each other more clearly. They looked at each other like they've seen they're dead mothers.

"WHAT THE HEEEEEEEELLLL?!" they chorused.

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**So how was that? Should I continue? Please feel free to comment. A simple smiley would be very much appreciated. **

**Then, till next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yeah! Dekimashita! I was supposed to update a little later but RedGuy-san went as far as messaging me so I worked my butt of for 3 days and here it is! Furthermore, I didn't know that Gintoki harem's rare 'cause I based it in the episode where they all fooled gintoki by pretending that he slept with them just to make him stop drinking.  
**

**Anyway, read along to see what actually happened!**

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**_Jet Armstrong_**

**_by Me,( who else?)_**

The four heroines were frozen, startled by what they are seeing. Their faces picturing mixed emotions of disbelief, surprise, and contempt. They trembled, thinking what to do next. Their mouths ajar, not knowing what to say.

First, their bodies are coated with a white, foul, and slimy errrrm,,,,, liquid.

They looked below, the big-hard-familiar thing that hit them was actuall a... aAAAAAAAAAA!(gintoki scream)…NEO ARMSTRONG CYCLONE JET ARMSTRONG CANNON! or in short *bleep*nis.

Last and the most terrifying is that they as in each of them are ... ARE STARING AT THEIR OWN BODIES! What happened? Did they die and their souls separated from their bodies? NO, definitely no. They have a body but it's not their body. No no no no no no. They must be hallucinating. A boulder…. I mean a *bleep*nis on the head would certainly make you high.

Few seconds passed and they recovered from being stunned.

"What… is this?" Tsukuyo managed to say.

It twitched. Armstrong twitched. A horizontal line was drawn in its center and the line began to radiate light as it slowly split in half.

They immediately raised their hands to cover their eyes from the blinding light. But instead of a demon baby coming out, there lies a paper inside surrounded by what looks like a dimensional portal or space. It slowly levitated out of the *bleep*nis. Their eyes followed the glowing paper. Jet Armstrong closed himself again, completing its mission. Then Armstrong stood up like a corpse suddenly rising from its coffin. The heroines stepped back in fear of it attacking them again. Instead, it walked towards the edge of the bridge, using its balls as its feet…..and finally, committed suicide. The river swiftly got rid of the body (if it's even considered to be a body).

The slimy paper now lies at their center, while the four women are still recovering from the trauma.

"H-hey, somebody pick it up."Sa-chan ordered.

"No thanks." the others answered.

"T-Then let's read it together to be fair." She suggested

They one step at a time neared the paper. It was a letter. They squatted so that they could read what's written.

Here's what it says:

_Yo, my beautiful and busty (except Otae) and virgin heroines of the anime Gintama. My name is IMAK. I am the great god of moral lessons. As my title says, I came here to teach you a lesson in life. Since numerous people are complaining about how all of you are complete idiots and un-heroine like. That is the reason why I grabbed your consciousness and inserted it in another body. You will literally step in each other's shoes in order to understand more of each other. _

_There are also rules to be followed_

_1. You cannot tell anyone of your identity._

_2. You must live the life of the body you have gotten in. You cannot change jobs, name, and homes._

_3. You cannot take your own life nor let anybody else take it._

_Anybody who fails to uphold the rules will stay in their designated bodies forever-ever-ever-ever._

The words echoed on the heroine's minds, as they stared blankly at the paper.

"Wait, there's more." Kyubei's consciousness said. She continued to read. "You can only have your flawless body back if, only if,all four of you have learned the lesson you need to learn. If you have any questions then just search for me at any hostess club anywhere in Kabuki District." Then a picture of Morgan Freeman doing a peace sign is glued on the bottom of the paper.

-silence-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'EXCEPT OTAE' HUUUUUH?! YOU HENTAI OLD MAN! GOD OF LESSONS MY ASS!AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG! WHAT RULES RULES?! YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER ME AROUND!" The person in Sa-chan's body finally snapped, stomping on the letter.

"THAT'S RIGHT! DON'T TELL ME I CAN'T STALK GIN-SAN ANYMORE! AND WHAT DO YOU IMPLY BY 'COMPLETE IDIOTS' HUH?! YOU'RE DEALING WITH AN ASSASSIN OVER HERE! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I'LL FIND YOU AND I'LL KILL YOU!" The person in Kyubei's body joined Otae in destroying the letter by tearing it to ($)1,499.99 pieces, 50% off.

"Please calm down both of you, and by the way isn't it better Tae-chan? You have bigger boobs now." The person in Tsukuyo's body consoled her.

Otae shot a laser glare at her, "And what do you mean by that huh? Tsuuuukuuuyoooo!," completely switching off her sanity.

"Calm down!" The person in Otae's body ordered, stopping their rage. "Let's all settle down and talk this out. We won't get anywhere by losing our temper. Let's start by figuring out who's who."

They all halted and nodded to each other.

"I am Kyubei, seems like I'm inside Tsukuyo-san's body." She started, while looking at her hands and clothing.

"I'm Sa-chan and my height and boobs shrunk so I've become Kyubei. *sigh*. How can Gin-san like me now that I'm like this!" the former ninja whined.

"And I'm Tsukuyo. I'm trapped in Otae-san's body."She said, doing her usual pose with her hands crossed.

"What do you mean by 'trapped' Tsukuyo-san?" Otae still hasn't regained her composure. "It appears that you're all underrating me. I should be the least lucky since I'm trapped in the body of a stalker besides the fact that everything around me is blurry." They noticed that Sa-chan's glasses are now completely broken due to the impact of the Jet Armstrong earlier.

"Okay good. Now for the second step, we all need to give information about ourselves since we don't know each other very well, especially our jobs" Tsukuyo continued. "Kyubei, you will work as the leader of Hyakka. Don't worry, they're easy to manage. Please also accompany Hinowa and Seita. They're very important and close to me."

"I understand." Kyubei responded. "As for Sarutobi-san, you just need to address my father "papa" and do some chores given to my family. And you also need put up with Tojo. You're free to do anything to him when he does anything unpleasant."

Sa-chan nodded. "Then Otae-san, here's what you need to do; first, you need to buy Strawberry Milk for Gin-san; Then hide in the ceiling and watch his handsome sleeping face, kyaa!; Also make sure to smell his undies for intense pleasure; At morning, tie yourself up and hide at the closet, under the table, or inside the tv. Wait for him to find you and throw you out which results to another extreme enjoyment; lastly, follow him wherever he goes and throw yourself at him whenever you have the chance. And that completes the ritual."

*vein pop*"Are you making a fool of me?! So you're basically telling me to stalk that dirty, good-for-nothing, curly-haired bum? ?" Otae replied, doing her signature angry pose.

"Gross." Tsukuyo and Kyubei agreed

"Forget it. Anyway, Tsukuyo-san, you'll be working at Snack Smile as a hostess. Don't worry; you can hit annoying costumers as much as you want as long as you get them to drink as much as possible. And lastly, please take care of Shin-chan for me."

"Now that all have been said, let's part ways and get our bodies back!"

They piled their hands, raised it and shouted, "YEAAAHHHH!"

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**And cut! hehe. So how was it again? And if you have any suggestions, please feel free to pm me. Also, I'll be finishing advanced chapters to prepare for school so It'll take long for the next update.**

**After reading this, please atleast leave a brief message, waaa! I know that a lot (much to my surprise) have read Chapter 1 but only 3 reviewed, you sadists! I'm not a mind reader you know. Tell me your thoughts. ja!**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Minna, Gomenasaii for the late update!  
_**

**_So anyway this chapter is about Otae. I made each heroine have her own chapter so that it won't be confusing. The first part is a bit angst 'cause my writing reflects my feelings and I'm stressed out by school. T.T *sigh*_**

**_Anyways I hope this chapter won't be a disappointment to those who have patiently waited. And you may notice some OOC-ness that would be explained later on.:3_**

**_*Bokuto = wooden sword._**

**_*Gomenasai= I'm sorry_**

**_*Oppai=boob. I just love that word._**

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**Otae, an assassin? Nai, nai**

After the four heroines parted ways, Tae started to wander with no destination on her mind. Her mind's still thinking about the unthinkable events that just took place. Amongst the four heroines, she felt the most deprived. Like a girl being unintentionally insulted by her friends by talking about what size their bra's are. Sure, she has a little below-average (other word for small) oppai which is actually just a nipple apart from Kagura's. It would've been much much better if the other heroines had normal boobs. But no. Heartbreakingly, they're blessed with "fanservice" oppai. Images of Sa-chan, Tsukuyo, and Kyubei's boobs jiggling flashed on her mind. Then she started to curse the gorilla author again.

As she looks at her reflection at the salon's tinted glass pane across, she's now glaring at a mature, pretty woman with pale skin, decent height, a long lavender hair, and definitely large oppai. Even that bushy-haired Gintoki admitted that. She felt a small smile drawn upon her new face. Her brief happiness was cut when realization dawned upon her. This is not her, she is just merely borrowing this body.

Otae continued to wander off with her head down in disappointment and depression. Fuck that gorilla… Fuck that gorilla…fuck that gorilla.. fuck…that fuckin' gorilla.. gorilla fuckin' that.. fuckin' gorilla that….

"Sa-chan?"

…..fuck…that fuckin' gorilla.. gorilla fuckin' that.. fuckin' gorilla that….

"Uhm.. Sa-chan, are you alright?"

I'll fuck that gorilla… that gorilla is fucked…..

"Errr… Sa-chan, are you sick?"

She raised her head slightly, black cloud coming out from her mouth. She looked at the person talking and immediately snapped out of her incantations.

"Oh, Shin-chan! What are you doing here this late? Gomenasai, I was just thinking about something. What are you saying again? And have you bought the extra special limited edition Bargain Dash ?"

"Ee-ermm.. Sa-chan." Glasses confusingly replied. "Why are you talking like my sister?"

'Oh shit. I was too preoccupied that I completely forgot.'

"U-uhmm… Really? I-I did? I was just practicing b-because I need to try it to Gin-san c-cause if I maybe act like Otae, he may kind of, like me more? Ahahaha. It's a nice strategy isn't it?" She blurted out what first came on her mind.

"I think that's a bad idea Sa-chan." The four-eyed boy answered bluntly." I don't think it would do any better. He will absolutely hate you more."

" Oh really?" Otae forced a laugh." I think I need more practice, then I'll be going." And she disappeared.

"Sa-chan's extra weird today." Shinpachi told himself. "She would usually ask me where Gin-san is and it's also rare for her to talk so calm and unanimated. And how did she know about the Bargain Dash? Her tone was exactly like my sister. Oh well." Shinpachi just shrugged his suspicions and walked away..

Meanwhile in the alley hides Otae. She exhaled a sigh of relief. Its already getting late and she still doesn't know what to do. At least she was able to get away with her brother. She searched for a place to sit and rest.

Meanwhile, a ninja with brown hair and long bangs covering his eyes holding a jump manga stands on top of a streetlight just above where the Otae is sitting. He jumped down landing in front of her.

"Hey Sarutobi, I got a job for you."

Otae raised her head once again. "Who might you be?" She asked the weird stranger in front of her.

"Eh? What, you've got amnesia or something? Or are you just making up excuses again? Got other stalking jobs to do?"

'So this might be one of her accomplices. I need to go along with him.' She thought.

She made up an excuse."Oh I'm sorry I didn't recognize you earlier. As you can see, my glasses are broken."

"Oh I see." Zenzou bought her excuse. "Then let me tell you about the details." He handed out a picture of a an old man holdinga white phone with no keypadand has "This is Sleeve Jobs. He is an amanto from the planet "Apple", a planet with highly advanced technology. He set up a business here in Edo but there are rumors that he is involved in smuggling illegal goods. His address and the other details are written at the back. Make sure he's found dead by sunrise. You're will be given directly by your client, Bill Gays. Then I leave this to you." He promptly instructed and disappeared in a blink.

Otae was left dumbfounded, shivers sending down her spine. She, a normal cabaret hostess, is seriously going to assassinate a person. She had no idea of how dangerous and dark Sa-chan's job is. She now regrets the things she told the gorilla author on chapter 1.

"Hmp. Might as well try. I may even do a better job than that stalker." And she sprinted, jumped to the roof of a nearby house, tumbled, jumped to another roof, and then swiftly ran swiftly without losing balance. Like an arrow shot precisely. Like a real ninja. There was no more than a brief creak heard below the roof. She held out a kunai strapped on her thighs as she nears the target's residence.

She saw Sleeve through the window sitting in the middle of a spacious Japanese room with no one in sight. "Good, this will go easy." She whispered under her breath. She let out an attacking scream as she jumped towards the window where Sleeve is sitting calmly with his eyes closed. She's almost there. She pointed her kunai towards his heart to deliver the first and last blow.

'This was easy after all'

.

.

.

.

'Clink!'

Her kunai went flying and landed on the far east corner of the room. "Huh? It was deflected? But who?" Her opponent moved too quickly that she could only catch a brief glimpse of him. White… Pure white. She was knocked off from the mere impact. She raised her head to look at him.

'No. No. It can't be. … It's the white-haired nose-picker!'

Gintoki halted in surprise.

"tsk. Gin-san, please get out of my way. I'm going to kill that man!" She almost pleaded.

He answered with a smirk."Too bad but I was asked by this man to protect his life in exchange for a lifetime supply of strawberry milk and a free iPhone."

Sleeve grinned evilly. 'I knew you both have a connection with each other. Don't underestimate me, fuckin' ninjas. Huahuahuahuahaua!'

Otae gnashed her teeth. She knows that there's no chance in hell that she'd defeat him. But she can't just give up. She chose to move forward. She's already there.

She attacked on instincts, throwing multiple kunais at him taking advantage while he's busy picking his nose. As expected, he dodged them all effortlessly.

"Tsk. It won't work. I've no choice but to use my own style."

She charged towards Gintoki, throwing kunais simultaneously and when she got near enough, she threw her right hand back and clenched her fist hard. Gintoki was caught by surprise. She grabbed that brief chance to punch him right in the face. The impact sent him flying across the room.

She ran to her target next. She picked one of the kunais left on the ground. She stopped right in front of the still grinning old man and raised her hand with the kunai, preparing to stab him. Her kunai was an inch to the unfearful man's heart when he swiftly pointed an unnoticed gun at her. She stopped.

Blinked.

'BANG!'

.

.

.

.

.

'I can't see anything.' Everything was black. "Can a gunshot's impact really send a person flying? Or am I just imagining things? Am I dead?" Her thoughts kept coming. "No. it was not the gunshot. If it was, then why did I get pushed… leftward?"

No. She wasn't shot. She was pushed. "But why? No. Who? No.. way. Gin-san!" She immediately searched for her glasses. "Where the fuckin' hell is it?! Damn." She desperately crawled around in hopes of finding Sa-chan's glasses. Minutes passed and she finally grabbed hold of it and she immediately wore it. Blurry at first then clear. She saw her hand. It has blood on it. She looked at herself. Not a single wound. She looked in front of her. She stiffened.

In front of her lies two bloody individuals. One is shot on his gut, rapidly losing blood. The other's certainly dead, slashed on his chest.

"G-Gin-san! Hang in there! Gin-saaan!" She knelt beside him. Her heart feels like breaking, cying out. He's not moving. Tears finally came out her eyes on the thought that "he" may die.

.

.

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GREATER EDO HOSPITAL

"Sa-chan, you should get a little rest. We'll look after Gin-san for you." Her brother said out of concern. She haven't had any sleep since the other day. He still hasn't awoke yet. He lost too much blood and the bullet that he received seemed to have some kind of poison in it. "I'm fine Shin-ch- Shinpachi-kun. Can you just please leave me here for a moment?" Her concerned brother agreed and he saw him walk away with Kagura. Otae sat beside his bed and stared at his face. His face looks in pain.

"Gin-san." She whispered as tears form on the corner of her eyes. "You saved me again this time…. for the third time." I haven't even properly thanked you yet. Ne, I'm worry for being always violent towards you. I'm sorry for always being so selfish. Maybe that's how I express my.. my feelings towards you. This is all my fault 'cause I'm weak." Tears finally spilled out. "Please wake up now. Don't let Shin-chan and Kagura-chan worry anymore. Please… don't let us worry anymore." She held his hand and continued to cry. *sob**sob*

"Heyy, hey.. you're getting out of character you know. The director would be scolded for this." Otae raised her head from hearing his voice. " Its true, you're really selfish for blaming yourself. Its just that I can't let a woman murder someone. Men are supposed to do the dirty work you know. So don't you worry about anything and go back to being my crazy stalker." Gintoki smiled genuinely.

Otae continued to cry. She was touched. Not just touched, she was.. she can't find a word to define what she's feeling. Her heart was throbbing so fast resulting to a burning feeling in her cheeks.

"G-Gin-san."

.

.

"Kyaaa! Yes Gin-san! I will I will! AAAAAHHH! *fangirl scream*" Otae hugged Gintoki as with all her might.

"AAHHH! Stop it! You're breaking my bones! Waah! Nurse, help mee!"

"I love you Gin-saaaann! To say such endearing words to me! Please wait right there, I'll go buy you mountains of strawberry milk!" Then she ran off like a little girl.

-END-

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_**And that's it...  
**_

_**Also, theres a very very short continuation of this chapter. To be uploaded soon.  
**_

_**Don't forget to write a brief comment! It's my motivation!**_

_**And thanks for all the positive reviews! :***_


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